Dear Runner, It is my unfortunate duty to inform you that your name has been selected for the 2023 Barkley Marathons, to be held on April 1–3, at Frozen Head State Park, in the state of Tennessee, USA. It is anticipated that this enterprise will amount to nothing more than an extended period of unspeakable suffering, at the end of which you will ultimately find only failure and humiliation. May your god go with you; Laz-